Now, I know these "intense feelings" (especially with the majority of them being negative, soul-eating and depression inducing) shouldn't affect my relationship with others. But they do. I know that logically I shouldn't misdirect the anger, the bitterness, the fear, the pain, all of it, but I do, and I know it's wrong. So I've been making efforts and most of the time, when I'm having a "grey cloud" moment, I isolate myself or have FUCK OFF tattooed on my face. I just thought that after knowing me for so long, people had just come to the realization that it was a part of me too.
So it hurts that one of my friends, N., has somewhat distanced himself from me. I mean, it was bound to happen, with are very different styles in managing emotion: I feel too much whereas he seems to disregard feelings altogether. I guess that what I'm trying to say is that I miss our friendship.
And I'm not trying to put up a pity party for myself (Ok, maybe just a little :P). I do hurt. Today alone, my back hurt, my vagina hurt (well what, yes I had my period, jeez), my head hurt (my under-sleeping habits are just bad -- I'm sure we can all agree 3 hours a night isn't enough for anyone) and my heart was empty, but that's besides the point. I hurt, just like every other human being most certainly does, and I want to get better. I don't want to be "normal", I want to be "happy" and "at peace with myself". "Normal" would imply that my non-existing eating habits are acceptable, that my "issues" with my non conforming, non European grade of hair are acceptable, that my very deeply felt self-loathing is acceptable. Which is not the case. So I want to be able to wake up in the morning and not feel like sticking knives in my stomach or wish to get hit by a bus. I don't want to do this :
I want to live and feel alive. I want this:
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