Saturday, July 6, 2013
Life: News From My Bed
Life is a whole different world from my bed. I am a queen here. It doesn't matter that my kingdom looks like Afghanistan on a bad day, that I deserve a nice shower or that I've only been able to drag my ass out of bed for one meal out of three today. Life on this beautiful mattress is the dream. How so?
For starters I get to watch as many Supernatural episodes as I wish. Currently trying to buckle up and finish Season 3. I still have Arrested Development, Luther, The Wire, Misfits, Skins (UK version, duh)... and Suits is starting soon. I'm running a tight ship on an even tighter schedule here people! So much TV (and movies, which I won't even start on yet, so little time...)
I was also been able to talk to my Venezuelan cousins, which is always a good opportunity to practice Spanish. Speaking of which, I have music for you!! (All Aventura music of course!)
For starters I get to watch as many Supernatural episodes as I wish. Currently trying to buckle up and finish Season 3. I still have Arrested Development, Luther, The Wire, Misfits, Skins (UK version, duh)... and Suits is starting soon. I'm running a tight ship on an even tighter schedule here people! So much TV (and movies, which I won't even start on yet, so little time...)
I was also been able to talk to my Venezuelan cousins, which is always a good opportunity to practice Spanish. Speaking of which, I have music for you!! (All Aventura music of course!)
Explicame por que razon no me miras la cara...
I wish some hot Spanish dude would serenade me like that lol.
I think that's all I did for today. But at least I'm being positive about it and not calling myself a sloth or loser.
Also, a few words of advice: don't go see The Bling Ring...The trailer should have been warning enough but I went to see it like 2 days ago and hum...no. No. NOOOO. I may have lost a few IQ points just watching it, the movie was just oozing with ridiculous, idiotic behaviour. And it's really too bad, because I loved the soundtrack. Ohhh well. Best songs you ask?
Get past the bad words. That beat is pure genius.
Come on, this is kind of cute right? The next one also has M.I.A. because she's just that cool. Anyone else remember Paper Planes?
Live fast, die young, bad girls do it well...
Those words alone describe the very essence of the movie.
And this song by Sleigh Bells describes the veneer of teenage invincibility banging heads in unison on a hot summer day in a convertible. Which is super catchy. And almost makes me want to move to California.
Dear Diary: They We're Right
Dear Diary,
They we're right. No, not the people putting me down, telling me my hair looks like a hot mess or that I need to lose a few pounds. Not the idiots who thought I was a good time until I refused to give in and give head. And not my parents, who wanted me to be a dentist or doctor. There's nothing wrong with them wanting me to be financially secure. It just so happens I want my life to take another direction all together. As long as that future doesn't involve guns, fraud , jail time or/and prostitution, I think they'll be fine.
I won't even go as far as saying that the people reminding me every day I'm not the piece of shit I see every morning we're right and I am beautiful and talented and blablabla. I'm not there yet. I'm not in a place in my life where I can look myself in the mirror and say "You look awesome!" without mocking myself or denying that very thought 2 seconds later.
No, the people who said I had to maybe cheer up, may have possibly touched in something important.
As it turns out, I've been procrastinating a lot. All that extra time on my hands is perfect for self-criticising, self-loathing, self-destructiveness...It's funny, for someone who hates herself so much, it turns out all those "self-somethings" are just the reflection of my over inflated ego. Anyways, because of all this negative energy, all I can think about is putting myself out of my own misery -- not necessarily death but like, social suicide or something. Sooo, since none of those are very good options, the next best thing is to drown myself with TV series and lots of ice cream (the weather demands it!). However, my morning swim in this pool of dark thoughts and sweat was interrupted today by my lunch date with M.
M is a great guy. He knows how to cheer me up. We're so similar and we've been around each other so much we can just guess each others moods -- though the fact we're terrible at hiding what a terrible day we're having is one of the things that makes us so similar. In good old M fashion, he told me to pretty much get my shit together. Which is a very good idea. Or maybe not even plaster a fake smile on my face for the rest of my life and become the President of Swaziland, but at least be a little less pessimistic. Let a little sunshine through my window or something. So here's me being positive.
1. I had a free lunch today. M. paid for it so I got to indulge in the awesomeness of Indian food with none of the financial pain.
2. M. gave me a laptop today. You know, this beautiful piece of machinery would be perfect if only anything "Microsoft" related refuses to work though I HAVE the stupid product key.
3. (In none M. related news...) I for my first scholarship!! (see I'm being positive! Switched that "only" to a "first"! Maybe this is working?!?) And not a tiny one too, a nice fat 5 000 euros worth.
So there, Dear Diary, this is the story of me being positive. As a sign of good faith, I will write more often about good things in my life.
Happy?
They we're right. No, not the people putting me down, telling me my hair looks like a hot mess or that I need to lose a few pounds. Not the idiots who thought I was a good time until I refused to give in and give head. And not my parents, who wanted me to be a dentist or doctor. There's nothing wrong with them wanting me to be financially secure. It just so happens I want my life to take another direction all together. As long as that future doesn't involve guns, fraud , jail time or/and prostitution, I think they'll be fine.
I won't even go as far as saying that the people reminding me every day I'm not the piece of shit I see every morning we're right and I am beautiful and talented and blablabla. I'm not there yet. I'm not in a place in my life where I can look myself in the mirror and say "You look awesome!" without mocking myself or denying that very thought 2 seconds later.
No, the people who said I had to maybe cheer up, may have possibly touched in something important.
As it turns out, I've been procrastinating a lot. All that extra time on my hands is perfect for self-criticising, self-loathing, self-destructiveness...It's funny, for someone who hates herself so much, it turns out all those "self-somethings" are just the reflection of my over inflated ego. Anyways, because of all this negative energy, all I can think about is putting myself out of my own misery -- not necessarily death but like, social suicide or something. Sooo, since none of those are very good options, the next best thing is to drown myself with TV series and lots of ice cream (the weather demands it!). However, my morning swim in this pool of dark thoughts and sweat was interrupted today by my lunch date with M.
M is a great guy. He knows how to cheer me up. We're so similar and we've been around each other so much we can just guess each others moods -- though the fact we're terrible at hiding what a terrible day we're having is one of the things that makes us so similar. In good old M fashion, he told me to pretty much get my shit together. Which is a very good idea. Or maybe not even plaster a fake smile on my face for the rest of my life and become the President of Swaziland, but at least be a little less pessimistic. Let a little sunshine through my window or something. So here's me being positive.
1. I had a free lunch today. M. paid for it so I got to indulge in the awesomeness of Indian food with none of the financial pain.
2. M. gave me a laptop today. You know, this beautiful piece of machinery would be perfect if only anything "Microsoft" related refuses to work though I HAVE the stupid product key.
3. (In none M. related news...) I for my first scholarship!! (see I'm being positive! Switched that "only" to a "first"! Maybe this is working?!?) And not a tiny one too, a nice fat 5 000 euros worth.
So there, Dear Diary, this is the story of me being positive. As a sign of good faith, I will write more often about good things in my life.
Happy?
Confiance en soi
J'ai été élevée sage, forte, confiante. Je me suis réveillée, au crépuscule de mes dix-sept ans; conne, complexée et faible. Tellement conne que je n'arrive pas à voir ce qui me regarde en pleine face, à discerner les gens bons pour moi, de ceux qui ne valent pas la connaîssance. Les personnes confiantes ne s'accrochent pas à chaque merde qui passe, parce qu'elles ont la confiance en elles pour savoir que le prochain n'en sera pas une, alors que nous, les complexées, on n'est pas sûres même d'en avoir un prochain. On se réconforte des merdes qu'on trouve, pour ne pas tomber dans la solitude. Ayez de la confiance, ne soyez pas tous cons. Qu'elle soit méritée ou non, elle améliore la qualité de vie, vous respirez plus librement, tranquilement...
Friday, July 5, 2013
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
Chan Chan
Chan Chan playing loudly
He held me --softly
A hint of rage as well
I could not be all he hoped
He was my Spanish sun
He had thought me beauty in silence
I ran to him a fatherless child
He stripped--my religiosity
I wanted to connect the dots --
the ones on his body-- to see the
Before and after link
Lost snapshots in an ocean of un-wept tears
Curve of his lighted Camel
Tense elevator silence
Unnecessary cordial conversation
Mounting climax to -- Nothing
The Aftermath confused me still
His tanned skin cut by the white starched sheets
Sounds of late night brawls, midnight kisses
Coming from out there
Sleep would not make me drop
Into submission, street-lights and
His breathing were companions
But sleep I could not
He left two days next
Summer had been planned
In the fall he would be arrogant still
A touch of whimsical-mysterious in his hair
I tried to hide it, as long as I could
It came out all colors -- orange, green, yellow
Things unsaid, left unexplored
Though it's a shame I could not die and let go.
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