They we're right. No, not the people putting me down, telling me my hair looks like a hot mess or that I need to lose a few pounds. Not the idiots who thought I was a good time until I refused to give in and give head. And not my parents, who wanted me to be a dentist or doctor. There's nothing wrong with them wanting me to be financially secure. It just so happens I want my life to take another direction all together. As long as that future doesn't involve guns, fraud , jail time or/and prostitution, I think they'll be fine.
I won't even go as far as saying that the people reminding me every day I'm not the piece of shit I see every morning we're right and I am beautiful and talented and blablabla. I'm not there yet. I'm not in a place in my life where I can look myself in the mirror and say "You look awesome!" without mocking myself or denying that very thought 2 seconds later.
No, the people who said I had to maybe cheer up, may have possibly touched in something important.
As it turns out, I've been procrastinating a lot. All that extra time on my hands is perfect for self-criticising, self-loathing, self-destructiveness...It's funny, for someone who hates herself so much, it turns out all those "self-somethings" are just the reflection of my over inflated ego. Anyways, because of all this negative energy, all I can think about is putting myself out of my own misery -- not necessarily death but like, social suicide or something. Sooo, since none of those are very good options, the next best thing is to drown myself with TV series and lots of ice cream (the weather demands it!). However, my morning swim in this pool of dark thoughts and sweat was interrupted today by my lunch date with M.
M is a great guy. He knows how to cheer me up. We're so similar and we've been around each other so much we can just guess each others moods -- though the fact we're terrible at hiding what a terrible day we're having is one of the things that makes us so similar. In good old M fashion, he told me to pretty much get my shit together. Which is a very good idea. Or maybe not even plaster a fake smile on my face for the rest of my life and become the President of Swaziland, but at least be a little less pessimistic. Let a little sunshine through my window or something. So here's me being positive.
1. I had a free lunch today. M. paid for it so I got to indulge in the awesomeness of Indian food with none of the financial pain.
2. M. gave me a laptop today. You know, this beautiful piece of machinery would be perfect if only anything "Microsoft" related refuses to work though I HAVE the stupid product key.
3. (In none M. related news...) I for my first scholarship!! (see I'm being positive! Switched that "only" to a "first"! Maybe this is working?!?) And not a tiny one too, a nice fat 5 000 euros worth.
So there, Dear Diary, this is the story of me being positive. As a sign of good faith, I will write more often about good things in my life.
Happy?
